gnothi · sauton..."know · thyself"

So in September of last year, I posted this....

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WE ARE DEEPLY GRATEFUL AND DEEPLY 'PLAID'
Sept. 14, 2006

"Tonight marks the "pre-view" night for the show.... *deep sigh*

I finally got to watch the show on Tuesday from the audience's perspective for the first time since I joined the project. Before rehearsal, I had all these things to check on and tweak... I was flippin' out a little. But I tell you, about a third of the way into it, I started crying. I made that. Me. The girl that just tinkers and doesn't have a clue what she's really doing. That. That beauty, and mood, and wow. It was one of the top five most rewarding moments in my theatre-ness being. Seriously.

This revelation depleted a few anal things on the list and let me focus on the more important ones. It's really come together even more since then, but there's a few lingering special effects I need to do. I still have a sign to finish putting together, light up, and hang, and three "special effect" lights to figure out, hang, focus, and patch into the electrical system. Needless to say, today will be BUSY. (The sign will probably not be ready tonight, but will be tomorrow... but I'll be doing my darnedest just the same. *wink*) I'd take half a day off to finish, but ... yeah... work.

So, back this summer, a post-doc, Liz, came to work with us. She's amazing. Her husband is a new professor here and approached me to work for him. He created a position for me, and wanted me to start in a week from this upcoming Monday. I needed to give notice THIS Monday to make this work. There are a few problems with this."

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Funny thing, I'm working on the sequel to said show. Trying to bring that PLAID magic back for the holiday season. It's fun, it's daunting, and it's hella rewarding when it's done, but until then, I'm exhausted and frazzled. But I can't wait to see the biggest explosion of holiday PLAID lights ever. Good times. Good times.

As for that little job offer. I'm here. I love it. and I'm thrilled to be working with Dr. KO. The best part, his mom was a LOT like me on the theatre needs, and he's really cool with me slacking off for a few weeks here and there as long as I keep going gangbusters the rest of the time. I've got one sweet gig, ladies and gents.

Anyway... just dropped in to see what was up with folks, looked back on my entries, and tried not to laugh. I wish I could nap. =) 

Happy mid-November, all!

Last night I had a dream.

(mad props to anyone who thought "RENT!")

Ashley (my #3 sister) had died and came back. She was hanging out with Mom, Dad (divorced for over 10 years), Myra (sis #2), and myself. As we are now. Without our spouses, child, etc. (And note the absence of sis #4... hmm.) It was weird. We were hanging out in the streets of Chicago or Urbana, I couldn't tell. It almost had the elements of Lafayette. *shrug* Then, it stormed and a crack of lightening cut power to one three story building. Then we heard an elevator fall and a woman pushed a man out of the elevator straight onto the sidewalk. And the building collapsed. Ashley was pretty nonplussed by the situation, but the rest of us were shocked. Also, earlier, my cat, Poo came back too. I think my subconscious is totally in love with "Pushing Daisies".

Today I went to rat training (just to make sure I knew what I was doing - and to get ideas for training students. They just broke ground on the building next to ours, RIGHT OUT SIDE MY OFFICE WINDOW, even though they broke ground almost two weeks ago. Silly University. I got my allergy shots (rats, dust, mold) and have been generally relaxing as much as possible. I'm tired. No rehearsal tonight, but surgery. Joy. I think I'd rather go home at this point.

Gardening, garagesale prep., laundry, and sleep. That's the weekend. -oh. And rehearsal on Sun. ok. ciao. Miss you all.

-j.

Heyya! I have an informal mail-bookclub thingy. I'm looking for participants. If you're interested in mailing a book (or audiobook) to a person and sending a chain letter to six people, let me know. You're supposed to get 36 books out of it in return. Thanks!

-j.

This was just too vivid so i had to share... I think the folks that know the involved parties will especially find this amusing.

The night before last I slept better than I had slept in a long time. One of those nights when you fall asleep immediately, and the next thing you know it’s morning and you remember a dream vividly and are refreshed.

But I woke up a little earlier than I intended.  For those of you who do not know herbivorous or samwise... do not make your character judgements on them by this entry alone. (Especially poor herbivorous!!) This entry does in NO WAY reflect on the real people, just my fried brain.  This is a dream. And like in any dream, things get weird and all. I just want to make that clear.

The dream went something like this….

herbivorous had contacted me and wanted to hold a herbalists’ convention in our yard. OK. Sure. For days people are coming and settling up tents in our back yard (which was about double to triple the size it really is without being any different than it really is).

I’m not around much because I have to work and then have rehearsals, so I just check the progress of the group from my window in the morning, looking out over our back yard. One day, I look out and I see that the group has built 20-30 of these stone fireplace looking things side by side. Imagine something like a cross between laundry yards in India, work cubicles, and fire hearths side by side, each constructed like those you saw in the beautiful anglo fairytales picture books. We’re talking BIG stone structures.

This would have been intriguing, except that they stripped my yard down, digging about 5 feet down and then built these little hearth-cubbies. . . I mentioned to … someone… that I didn’t appreciate that and hoped they would be gone and my yard restored before the end of the event.

A few days later, I wake up, and look outside. The backyard is immaculate, lush, and green. herbivorous and her herbalist minions built a wooden deck in the backyard, shaped like a lilypad. They were holding a meeting on it, but I thought it was loverly. I left.

When I came home, I was shocked to see that they had built a ramp to my home’s front door… made of brick. I asked someone standing around about it and they said it would “help make the center more accessible”. I appreciated the sentiment, having a friend who cannot come visit my home because of accessibility issues, but there were some major issues with this situation as my head wrapped around it.
1. They never asked.
2. Did they just say “the Center”?!?!?
3. The brick was a different texture than the brick on the house. That is so not cool.

And that made me think of Kevin. Oh, no. He would hate this. Maybe it would be ok and we could live with it. I knew Kevin would inspect the work. So I did.

The mortar had big holes in it between the brick, and I knew it wasn’t going to pass his inspection. So I tried to fill the holes with some remaining mortar sitting near by. When I put it up by the hole, it was liquid metal! It beaded up and slid right off onto the ground. Liquid metal?!?! Liquid metal?!?! Are you kidding me?

herbivorous knows that mercury is toxic! And we are planning on children – someday! And… wait a minute… how did they make the yard so beautiful practically overnight? They must have just filled in the big hole, with the stone hearths intact, and laid sod! But I want to dig in my yard! I want a garden! Maybe we’ll add on someday! Oh The INSANITY!

I stormed to the back. herbivorouswas in a tent made of mosquito netting, sitting, meditating. I stormed in and I ripped into her like noone’s business. I don’t really get that mad at folks. And if I do, I can, almost without fail, control my admittedly VERY firey anger. But not today. I laid into her like a bull into a bucket.

My husband will KILL me AND her when he comes home! What was she thinking? She never asked to do these projects. This is my HOME, not an herbalist clinic! The brick is different, and shoddily done and Kevin is going to just DIE when he sees it. AND THE MURCURY?!?!?!

Suddenly,samwise enters in behind me. He says, “It’s ok, Julia. I’m here,” and sits quietly behind me.

I realize the sensation of someone’s arm on my tummy, holding me. I start to gain consciousness slightly and vaguely realize in my still complete unconsciousness that I’ve been dreaming. Kevin is in bed, trying to keep me from waking the dead. And I drift back to sleep. Quietly.

Next thing I know, it’s time to get up and I realize I remember all these details. I figured I was thrashing around in bed, screaming “at herbivorous” about the brick and how my husband is going to go ape shit when Kevin tried to console me.

I was humbled and went to the gym. I couldn’t help but think about this all day and shared it when I got home. Kevin says he wondered what the hell I was trying to do. He reports I was not yelling, or thrashing, but I was mumbling a phrase with force and anger, but quieted down almost as quickly as I started. He said I never do that, so he was startled a bit.

Whew. Thank God. I thought I was waking the neighbors.
=)

I usually don't do the memes, but this is an email I received today that I wanted to pass along to all my readers.
What if this could be as widespreading as the memes?!?!?

Post this to your site and watch it spread!

-j.

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This is something fantastic that Xerox is doing for our troops for Thanksgiving... and it is fun to browse the site too!

If you go to this web site, www.letssaythanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to so me member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!! This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these?

Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals over there need to know we are behind them...

In case you're interested in my Dr. Boss, innovation from where I work, and general yapping about cool biotech:

http://www.worldtalkradio.com/archive.asp?aid=7163

Scroll down to the interview with Dr. Richard Borgens

Enjoy!

(when he says Traumatic Brain Injury, that's ME!)

There were so many good things about this past weekend, but I don't have time to explore them all today... Work calls... ya know.

My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend. As was the termination of my responsibilities on the alumni board. Seeing all these folks with whom I shared the most valuable experience of my life, visiting Chicago, hanging out with Casielynn a little extra, visiting IMSA, thanking SPaM for dreaming of, creating, and fighting for the school in the eve of her last year in the spotlight at IMSA, getting the responsibility off my chest and seeing how my frustrating tenure on the board actually DID amount to something, and sharing ideas and concerns with IMSA's team for redirection in their third decade... it helped. A lot.

I fell asleep on the sofa last night between putting up ceiling panel #2 and #3. Kev was drilling painstakingly placed holes in the panel so that tomorrow we can drill the hole for the lights and install it. Somehow among all that, and the TV's noise, I fell asleep only to awaken at 5:30am feeling the most calm, centered, and grounded I have felt in a LONG time. That's right. Like before the engagement, almost a year and three months ago. I felt tight places in myback loosen, my hips, my ribcage, even my neck. The warm, radiating energy I often felt in my core during my time at soma and immediately following when I was a practicing CMT was back in my being. And with that I smiled. Reveled in it, enjoyed it, and went upstairs to cuddle and fall asleep next to my slumbering husband.

After almost a year of trying to adjust this one little spot at the top of my thoracic spine with no success, at the reunion, I straightened up in my chair to address a former classmate only to finally get that relieving little "pop" right in the place I've needed it most. Amazing how the body heals itself under the right circumstances!

People always talk about how these reunions are about everyone trying to impress others, seeing who has gained 50 pounds, who has become bald... in our case, it really is about seeing that everyone is happy. And, believe it or not, our class looked GREAT! And everyone has had an amazing story to share. Watching the fireworks at Navy Pier - like we did just over ten years ago on our post-prom cruise brought back as many memories as watching the senior video - complete with the same reactions we gave ten years ago.

It was alot more about feeling like you were "home" and in the presence of this amazing, comforting energy than about the "who's who and what do they look like" you get typically.... to me it was near-heaven.

And now, all the building energy, anxiety, and motivation problems I've been facing over the last six months have been relieved. I feel like I'm starting all over again, but yet am back to where I was a long time ago... a place I was happiest with and proudest of. Thank you, gentle reader, for being kind and sympathetic, and unjudgemental during this last year or two of hard changes. *sigh* I feel like I'm finally back.

Comfort is such an elusive thing, isn’t it? One thing creatures return to, time and time again is ritual – the ritual we were raised in is the ritual we turn to when our world is pressing in on us. It brings us back to ourselves, our roots, our families, and our ancestors.

Religion is possibly the most blaring example of this. I have been unhappy with the church I was raised in, but yet, every time I look elsewhere, it just isn’t the same. I miss the rituals of the United Methodist Church. In theology, I’m more Hindhu or even Unitarian Universalist –pure inclusive, favoring spirituality over religion-, in worship almost Catholic in my love for reverent, ritualized worship, and in politics, the farthest left of the left. But yet… I just can’t leave the comfort of Methodist hymns and liturgy.

But there’s more than this… it comes into home life. Now, today, on this one year anniversary of homeownership, and nearly 10 months of marriage, I see the value and impact of ideals, ritual, and what it means to be comfortable.

An orderly home is more comfortable… like a small child or pet needing a dominant figure to be completely happy, we need an orderly, familiar place to rely on in the hardest of days.

A woman’s need to care for her family runs so deeply sometimes… but yet, sometimes the outward caring may be rebuked. I know I rebuked many of my mother’s attempts to coddle and care. Subtlety isn’t one of my family’s strong points. So… today I realize that what I and –possibly all?- creatures need is a lot more of the framework to a smooth, comfortable, predictable life.

Kind of old fashioned to think of it, but it seems like as wife – and eventual mother – my need to care for my family should be directed more into the making of a “leave it to beaver” *insert favorite homemaker's magazine here* kind of optimism, comfort, and gulp perfection in the home. But a place where people can celebrate their joys but also discuss their daily hinderances… facilitation and empowerment of individuals… a feeding source of the soul, heart, and body.

I want to reject this, but lately I’ve had a lot of messages from the world that this is something I need to focus on more than anything. And sometimes the world isn’t gentle. So, I guess now it’s my turn to work on that gentleness, but keep it healthy, keep it a little raw, and above all keep it real.

Mostly, I shouldn’t run from near-perfection. My fears seated in years of being the “perfect family” and all the dirt comes out after 20+ years into a crumbling, festering wound that while hardly much concern anymore, is still and will always be healing. It is amazing how marriage allows even more introspection, reopening, and even further healing of family history.

I’ve spent the last ten years of my life rejecting near-perfection. Many things stood in the way, but ultimately, I wouldn’t allow myself to reach it… something always stopped me from completing something despite amazing momentum, or the energy would just drain away and keep me from doing something about the list of things my brain would constantly tell me I should be doing.

Somehow, a small series of events has finally lead me to realize this about myself. After months of trying to be better about taking care of my body, being a better worker, attending to the garden, whatever… finally things start to come into focus. Maybe it has more to do with my ten year IMSA reunion on Saturday…

a celebration of the first day of the hardest summer of my life. Great. No wonder I’ve been dreading it like a colonoscopy. Every time I think about going, I feel sick. At an intensity that grows in a direct correlation to the decrease in days before the event. I’ve tried to figure out why…

Until now I felt it was mostly having to do with facing my friends. In my own, neurotic way, I owe them an apology. For being married. For being different since I got married? For not being in contact as much. For that conversation back at that Irish pub two years ago. (When I said things would change, I didn’t mean I never wanted to talk to you again.)

Then there’s the new guilt… For not feeling up to even facing the upcoming reunion enough to make hotel reservations until last night? For not being my usual self and suggesting, planning, and executing the planning of a big old-style weekend-long slumber party where everyone crashes together in one big hotel room?

Part of me says it’s all in my head, but my heart feel so guilty. And part of me reassures myself that some things do and will change and that we have ALL changed… as much as I want them to accept where I am, I have to accept that they are different too. Maybe expectations aren’t the same. But a part of me nags and says they are.

But maybe it has just as much, if not more to do with the falling apart of my childhood – my comforts, my rituals, my spiritual, social, and family life in three simple months… It all started June 1, 1996.

So… let’s go celebrate. With as much cheer and ...

...

... as much joy as possible. Celebrate overcoming that summer… celebrate where I’ve been and where I am… Celebrate life, and love, and learning to accept so much of all those things in life and in myself and in my church and in my family...

...

...that I rejected for so long. The healing and the opportunity to...

...

...make my own comfort, my own ritual, my own place in this world, and my own life.

I even think I’ll have the courage to face people and tell them that I haven’t sung in almost a year, and yes, I miss it, yes, I studied, yes I wanted it, no, it didn’t happen, and yet... I’m getting closer to being at peace with that… that too. *meek grin*

To celebrate tomorrow and honor ourselves and the strides we have made. It wasn’t about battles lost… (damn it, I need to eat lunch with my colleagues, pull yourself together, girl!)… but about a lot of battles overcome in just a few, short, ten years. To learning that near-perfection is something that can be honorable and healthy to pursue. As long as you stay real.

To the next ten years.

For those of you - I think most - who do not see me in Lafayette, you might find this surprising... lets just say marriage, atleast to my prince, and academia has made me a little more willing and able to take a back seat.

When I saw this quiz I couldn't resist. Enjoy.

Hey! Sorry I've been absent. I haven't been online more than a few seconds at a time since thursday earlier morning.
For a real update, click here.

Hey, y'all.

I need YOUR help. I'm looking for good reading/theatre material.

I've been asked to throw in a few ideas for a progressive (but not "out there") theatre company and want to expand my own horizons... So, if you have any ideas of plays, OR MUSICALS, you would love to see done someday, or think I should just read (and listen to) it for the heck of it give me your young.
*grin*

Nah.. just give me the name and writer and I'll look 'em up.

Or if they're original works *cough*M-A*cough* send them to me.

I need to get recs in REALLY SOON, so the faster, the better.

-But I'll be bored at work all summer. *wink*
Thanks, all!

-j.

Well, I had to really... I mean, come on.
And alot of the questions were hard for me to argue with, even if I didn't feel they were a good barometer of my faith. What I find most intresting is that I was raised Methodist, yet it is one of the lowest compatability scores I received. Go fig. =)

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. </td> Emergent/Postmodern 86% Classical Liberal 82% Modern Liberal 57% Roman Catholic 46% Neo orthodox 39% Charismatic/Pentecostal 29% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 18% Reformed Evangelical 0% Fundamentalist 0% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Our study of the Gospel of Mary 2

( Click here to read the Gospel of Mary )